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Keep hitting ‘Refresh’ as we weigh in on “Music’s Biggest Night!” Starting at 8PM EST!

We shall show no mercy.

7:14 (All times in Eastern Standard Format): Getting started a little early to talk about…what else? The fashion! Yahoo has a link up to pictures of the red carpet. Seven of the first ten are for non-music people, including Kim Kardashian and UFC fighter Chuck Lidell. Ladies & Gentlemen, Music’s Biggest Night!

7:18: To be honest though, I’m more excited for this year’s ceremony than the last. Although the Grammy Association is still snubbing everything not on a major label (we’ll get to that later), whomever is deciding the nominees has done a better job picking artists & songs which were both commercially & critically successful. The hot rumor going around the last few days has been Radiohead kicking off the show with members of the USC Marching Band on ’15 Steps,’ the first song off their nominated “In Rainbows” album. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. Leave questions and your own comments below!

7:22: I think the big winners tonight will be Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, Coldplay, and Adele. Adele for Best New Artist & Song, Coldplay and Joe Satriani for Songwriting, and Plant & Krauss for Album Of The Year.  The choices seem safe, and there’s been a disconnect between the (increasingly) better nominees and the actual winners.  The last couple years it feels like the Grammy Association has been playing both sides.  The nominees are reflective of what’s going on today musically, yet the winners are Industry favorites and or veterans.  Take Adele for instance.  She has that classic soul singer feel about her, which has obvious ties to people like Aretha Franklin.  The Grammy Association loves that sort of stuff, which is why she’ll beat Duffy, even though Duff has the better song.  Does that make any sense?  Who do you think will take home the big prize?

7:31:  America’s favorite serial-dater, John Mayer, is being interviewed on the TV Guide Channel right now.  The co-host Joey Fatone just got a good zinger off.  He asks John if he’s going out on tour, to which John replies ‘No, I’m going to disappear from view for a while.’  Fatone says ‘Cool.  Good.’

I want to impose a new rule for Red Carpet hosts.  You cannot take any of this seriously.  Be sarcastic, heck, be downright insulting.  How awesome would it be to interview the Jonas Brothers and ask them, “So how does it feel to be the new Monkees?”  Or to ask Justin Guarini what the hell he was doing there and that Burger King called and wanted you back by 10 PM so you could lock up the store?  This would be the most-watched Red Carpet of all-time.

7:47:  Paula Abdul’s already hammered and it’s not even 5 on the West Coast.  My bet was on 9 AM.  Damn, maybe she IS getting better.

7:49:  Some early award winners:  Weezer for Best Short-Form Video for ‘Pork & Beans.’  Plant & Krauss have won for ‘Contemporary Folk/Americana Album’ and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers have won ‘Best Long-Form Video’ for “Runnin’ Down A Dream.”

7:55:  Next post we’ll begin.  Everyone ready?

8:00:  Wait…this thing is going THREE-AND-A-HALF-HOURS?!?  &#^#^!!!!!!  Time to chug some Red Bull, I guess.  U2 starts things off with their new single from their upcoming album (which should earn them a bazillion Grammys in 2010), ‘Get On Your Boots.’  Seriously, who’s going to sing along to this?  The song’s melody reminds me of ‘Vertigo.’  True story:  Bono is 5’3″ in real life.  Think about that as you see him in public and wonder how much a good pair of platform boots…err I mean shoes costs.

8:05:  What was with that Whitney Houston intro from Bono?  She looks good though! (If not completely coherent)  I didn’t know Boyz II Men were still together, much less recording.  Best R&B Album goes to Jennifer Hudson, who is wearing the packaging paper from the box her dress came in.  Kind of feel like the sympathy vote came in here a little.

8:09:  When I think the Grammys, I think Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.  Katy Perry seems real excited to be a punchline of a horrible joke.  Get him off the stage now.

8:11:  Justin Timberlake is like the Alex Rodriguez of music.  He’s seen as the one great hope who will make up for the sins of yesteryear (horrible music, lousy songs, etc).  This intro for Al Green though is about as bad as A-Rod juicing in 2003.  (Kidding.)  You can’t mess with the Reverend Al!  Even though Keith Urban is trying to with a thoroughly mediocre guitar solo.  Are these artist collaborations picked out of a hat?  I was half-hoping for Neil Diamond & Lil’ Wayne, until ‘The Rock’ ruined my night (like he’s done so many times before when he opens his mouth on screen).

8:21:  Coldplay…oops I mean Chris Martin…and Jay-Z, apparently.  Wait, no, it’s the band….and Damn the hatas, play Satriani’s song!  Their costumes look like a low-rent Sgt. Peppers.  Purple is not a good color on the short one.  He must have lost a bet on what time Paula Abdul would start drinking, too.

8:28:  Carrie Underwood.  Who’s the American Idol contestant who has seen the most success?  Carrie Underwood or Jennifer Hudson?  Kelly Clarkson is out of the running as I see it, which would have been a shocker three years ago.  They’re both going to place high for worst dress of the night, as Underwood is wearing a burlap sack held together by a series of men’s belts.  I got to go with Hudson right now, because she is now a Grammy and Oscar winner.  What say you?

8:32:  Sheryl Crow could be LeAnn Rimes’s sister rather than Mom.  Day-umn!  Looking good for 75!

8:40:  Duffy looks like she’s 55 going on 19.  Oof.  Those Brits live hard!  Song Of The Year goes to Coldplay, which again, seems like a ‘safe’ choice.  A good song, but ‘Chasing Pavements’ and ‘American Boy’ are much better.  Short man’s stock goes up a few points for apologizing for the outfits.

8:43:  Kid Effin’ Rock.  He must gargle Dranoâ„¢ before going out on stage, his voice is so harsh.  Kid Rock is to Gospel Blues as Scott Stapp is to Bebop Jazz, I think.  I do appreciate his attempt at trying to be a Blues Brother with the outfit.  It also appears the Wicked Witch Of The West is on lead guitar tonight, which is good to see during these tough economic times.

8:52:  And performing together for the LAST time, Miley Cyrus & Taylor Swift!  I have a sneaking feeling Ms. Cyrus is going to rebel hardcore at some point, and push boundaries Britney never did.  It’s sort of like the old classic Horror movies.  You know…if Friday the 13th and Night Of The Dead is like Britney, Miley will be like Hostel and Saw.  There’s just something about her.  She seems really calculating and savvy for her age…not to mention already at 15 she’s posing nude.  I see reality shows and tabloid scandals sooner rather than later.  Trust me, my gut is never wrong.

8:57:  Pop Collaboration With Vocals:  My wife sums up this award perfectly by saying “Some of these songs I’ve never heard.”  Maybe the Grammys haven’t come as far as I thought…Plant & Krauss win, which again isn’t a surprise.  Kind of dull so far, isn’t it?

8:59:  It’s hard to poke fun at celebrities when they’ve had something devastating happen to them personally, aka Jennifer Hudson.  Say what you will about the fakeness of the whole American Idol phenomenon and show itself; the contestants who go on to ‘make it’ can sing.  I think I got a little teary at the end there where she had trouble finishing the song.  Or it was the Jalapéno Pringles I just ate.  Either way.

9:09:  Hour 2 has begun and The Jonas Brothers are performing with Stevie Wonder.  How did they get him to agree to this?  Did someone tell him he’d be playing with Coldplay or something?  I keep imagining that Stevie could probably eat all three Jonas Brothers with room to spare these days, so maybe the Grammy Association is actually smart putting this lineup together.  Great…time to desecrate ‘Superstition’ by turning it into a emo-screamathon.  Emotion is not screaming.  Rhythm is not about speed.  The Jonas Brothers are not about music.

9:14: Blink-182?!?  They’re back?!?  Did anyone really miss them?  Or is this another case of ‘the new project is a commercial and critical failure, so we need to reunite ASAP!’  Coldplay wins again for Best Rock Album, which may make me rethink who’s going to win what.  This is their 3rd win of the night so far.

9:18:  More winners.  Radiohead for Best Alternative Album, Rick Rubin For Producer Of The Year, and They Might Be Giants for Best Musical Album For Children.  Complete list located here.

9:22:  Craig Ferguson will be bigger than Conan O’ Brien in three years.  Mark my words.  Katy Perry performs.  Alleycats randomly appear at my deck window.  She is on 14:59 of her 15 minutes of fame.

9:26:  ‘American Boy’ could have sold a lot more than it did, except Warner in September of last year, decided to pull the song from itunes to drive up album sales! Insane.  Fantastic song (did I say that already?) and Kanye West is bringing Soul Glo back to the mainstream.   This year’s Best New Artist also joins such luminaries as Christopher Cross, Men At Work, and Milli Vanilli.  The award goes to Adele, which is a slight surprise, given all the hype for the Jonas Brothers recently.  I don’t think she’s going down the never-heard-from again route though with that voice.

9:36:  Morgan Freeman is Kenny Chesney’s friend?  What were the circumstances as to the beginnings of THAT?  Also, pretty sure Kenny Chesney has sold less records than Garth Brooks or the Eagles at this point, so the speech about ‘America’s biggest-selling artist’ is a lie.  Maybe Freeman meant to add ‘…at my house’ after that line.

9:41:  Puffy, Herbie, and…Natalie?  Sounds like a bad CW sitcom waiting to happen.  Record Of The Year goes to Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, which is the genuine first upset of the night.  I don’t want to admit my duality theory is true, but…they tend to be awarding artists which fall under that historical umbrella.  I gotta think Album Of The Year is going to be Coldplay or Plant & Krauss right now.  Leaning slightly towards the latter.  Halfway done and my grade is a C+.  Nothing too memorable or horrible yet.

9:48:  Lil’ Wayne, Kanye, T.I., and Jay-Z aren’t covering Dean Martin, are they?

9:49:  Wouldn’t it be awesome if M.I.A. gave birth on stage right now?

9:50:  How awesome is it M.I.A. is performing with the four most vital rappers in the biz?

9:52:  I have no idea what this song is about.

9:53:  Probably the highlight of the night so far, but that’s not saying a whole lot.

9:54:  Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl on drums.  The crowd is going crazy.  Nice to see Andrew WK active musically still…oh wait, that’s Dave!  ?!?  It looks like he’s been hitting the Krispy Kremes as of late.  Paul plays ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ straight-forward.  Would Dave have been a better fit for the Beatles instead of Ringo if a time machine had been available?  I think so.  He hits the drums like a mofo, and is a way better songwriter.  Cons:  Ringo Starr with Nirvana.  No explanation needed.

10:04:  You wish you could be as cool as Charlie Haden.  You just don’t know it.  Best Male Pop Vocals go to John Mayer, who will be this generation’s James Taylor in twenty years.  Ironic they’re up for the same award…or poignant?

10:07:  Jay Mohr needs to be dragged behind a tractor face-down over shards of rusty glass.  Yeah, rusty glass.  What?

10:08:  Sugarland & Adele on the same stage…for the first AND last time!  Now I’m REALLY wishing that Neil Diamond & Lil’ Wayne performance was happening (Damn you Dwayne Johnson).

10:18:  Nice to see Gwyneth introduce her husband’s band.  Seriously though, that’s kind of an odd choice to introduce Radiohead, isn’t it?  Being that Coldplay gets compared to them more than any other group.  And what about the recent rumors of her and Chris Martin splitting?  It’s almost like a giant subtle extended middle finger in a sense.  ’15 Steps’ is a PERFECT song to use with the marching band!  Live performance of the night, barring an upset.  Thom looks a little more creepy with the long(er) unwashed hair.

10:28:  YES!  Samuel L!  He’s the Shatner of his generation.  He’s Jules from Pulp Fiction in EVERYTHING he does!  T.I. and Timberlake are up next in a duet.  Is someone accompanying T.I. or are his vocals doubled up?  Did they just swear and that was edited out?  This show so far has been tapioca pudding soaked in milk served in a styrofoam bowl.  An average plain show is not a good one…although this would be a huge positive for the RIAA if it was average,

10:34:  Speaking of the RIAAs and the Grammys…it’s now time for the annual ‘Don’t Steal Music’ message from President Neil Portman.  Obama HAS hired a lot of former RIAA lawyers for his cabinet, so I would be worried a little if you’re into the P2Ps and Torrents.  In lighter news, MusiCares is a pretty awesome organization.  Check it out!

10:37:  Smokey Robinson appears.  He is immediately disqualified for his involvement with the Big Chill.

10:39:  3/4 of The Four Tops are dead.  When I think of possible replacements for a tribute number…I think Ne-Yo and his wardrobe interpretation of  ‘A Clockwork Orange.’  This is one of those ideas which sounded good in theory, but did not work when executed.  There haven’t been too many of those tonight, but it still sticks out as a ‘should have been better’ performance.

10:46:  Here’s how many people I think of when I imagine America’s living musical icons.  Two.  Bob Dylan, and Neil Diamond.  No matter how cheesy you find Mr. Diamond, everyone will immediately stop what they’re doing and sing the chorus to ‘Sweet Caroline,’ including my next-door neighbors.  Can you say that about any Dylan number?

10:51:  Carlin wins for Best Comedy Album.  Perfect.  I also will name my first-born son Pervis, I have decided.  It is a name which deserves to be brought back in the lexicon.  B.B. King, Buddy Guy, John Mayer, and Keith Urban.  I have no words for that travishamockery.

10:57:  Our last award presented was almost an hour ago.  Seriously.  There’s Album Of The Year and Song Of The Year left, I think.  So…we only have to wait another two hours to find out who won.

11:02:  Lil’ Wayne, Allan Touissant, and Robin Thicke.  Some talent filler has a sick sense of humor.  I thought Robin was Alan for a split-second there when he looked at the camera.  Scared the crap out of me.  Lil’Wayne could shank either one faster than you can say ‘Mike’s best friend was named Boner.’  Did you hear Lil’ Wayne’s next album will be a ROCK one, with heavy guitars?  I am intrigued.  Too often, mainstream artists DO NOT take chances with their songs, and well, if he pulls this off…his credibility will be near untouchable.

11:09:  T-Pain looks like a cross between Tom Petty in the ‘Don’t Come Around Here No More’ video and Bootsy Collins.  Woops, Best Rap Album is up.  Anyhow…Lil’ Wayne takes that, which shouldn’t have been a surprise.  Nice to see the Grammys get Rap right for once.   Sixty-five minutes passed after the last award was presented.  They could easily cut ninety from this and no one would notice.

11:12:  Pepsi, on the other hand, does not get rap right.  will.i.am is the new Bob Dylan, eh?  No wonder we’re in a recession.

11:18:  Weird to see a non-major label artist at the show (Zooey Deschanel).  This is fundamentally what’s wrong with the Grammys.  It’s a major-label awards show.  For Best Alternative Album, where was Fleet Foxes this year?  Or TV On The Radio?  Or Vampire Weekend?  Instead we get the umpteenth nomination for Beck and Jack White.  No one’s denying their greatness as artists, but their most recent recordings DO NOT compare to the three artists I just listed.  It just seems kind of cheap to exclude vital albums because of how they’re distributed, you know?  With Plant & Krauss performing so late in the show, it’s almost a lock they’ll take Best Album now.

11:22:  Green Day presents Best Album Of The Year to…Plant & Krauss.  I know a lot of people wanted Radiohead to win, and really they probably should have.  The way they distributed ‘In Rainbows’ showed they don’t need the Industry to succeed, but why would the Industry honor something that could spell the end of their reign?  I don’t have a problem with Plant & Krauss winning; I just wish there were people under 40 who voted the winners.  (And who voted for records that ACTUALLY came out in 2008)

11:27:  Stevie Wonder closes the show while everyone leaves.  Including the people who are supposed to tell him everyone has left.  He is found the next morning as if nothing has happened.

11:30:  Well, that’s it.  Overall, the show gets a C+ from me.  Not really a lot of memorable moments, but it wasn’t a trainwreck either.  I hope this was somewhat entertaining, if not less of a waste of time than normal.  Congrats to all the winners and see you next year!

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