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No, No and Friggin’ NO!!!

I thought my friend was making a joke the other night when she told me that my beloved-since-I-was-shitting-diapers Cookie Monster has cut back on eating cookies and now works fruits and vegetables into his diet. The idea was because kids need to be shown that cookies can’t be eaten all the time and Sesame Street decided to tighten their P.C. belt a little.

The awesome hat my friend was wearing as she delivered the bad cookie news

The awesome hat my friend was wearing as she delivered the bad cookie news

A sweat began to form on my forehead. All I could hear was a bass drum kicking in my ear. I thought of the scene in Inglourious Basterds where Hitler gets shot ran through my mind. This was an abomination against the Lord! Sacrilege!!

Okay, enough of that…..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? The COOKIE monster doesn’t eat COOKIES any more?? After research, I discovered this is a correction: Now cookies are “a sometime snack.” So should he change the song “C is for Cookie” to “C is sometimes for Cookie”?

To all of you at Sesame Street that chose to make this decision, although I am grateful for all of your work in the past, YOU ARE ALL COWARDS!! Apparently this transition happened nearly five years ago and I don’t know if George Carlin was aware of it before he died, but I doubt it because surely he would have had a field day on this subject.

I’m well aware that kids will do what they see, but I also think that kids can eventually figure out fantasy from reality. Right from wrong. And the need to crave. Humans crave things their whole lives, but that is okay. No kid is going to see a blue friend who says “Me Eat Cookie” with googly, shaking eyes at school, nor turn into one. If their god damn parents would actually restrict what their kids put into their mouths, we might not have ridiculous amounts of obese children, nor a bad-food addiction from an early age. An old co-worker and his six year old son once polished off nearly 100 chicken wings one time and the kid weighed nearly 140 pounds. THAT is child abuse!

Leave The Cookie Monster alone! For fuck sake, what is next? Are you going to tell me the mom from Family Ties is gay or something? Look, everyone wants to eat cookies all the time because they are good. But it just takes some self-discipline to regulate their consumption or a balanced person in your life to keep them from you.

The Veggie Monster. Please. What makes his eyes go all googly and crazy now? The vitamins in vegetables? Sugar is what is supposed to make his eyes do that and nobody else’s eyes can do it because NO ONE ELSE IS OR CAN BE THE FUCKING COOKIE MONSTER!! Even Mr. Snuffleupagus isn’t invisible to humans anymore (Big Bird used to be the only one who could see “Snuffy”) because “the adults’ refusal to believe Big Bird’s claims of his friend’s existence would discourage children from sharing important things with their parents.” There are rumors that Oscar the Grouch is rarely on the show anymore because “he is too grouchy” but I can’t find anything on that.

Jim Henson must be rolling in his grave.

DON’T OVER-THINK THIS folks!! Muppets are just pieces of carpet with glued-on eyes and a hand up their ass controlling their actions. Kathy Lee did it to Regis for years!

So what are we going to do about it? What’s this lying around shit? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! Just like Bluto, I want to run out of the room and charge, freeing The Cookie Monster that I know from the evil, pussified hands of The Politically Correct Monster!

I’m going to drink a fifth of Beam, eat a tab of acid and march right down to the Children’s Workshop to deliver the number of the day, which is one, and I have just the finger to display it! And I’m also going to share the letters of the day which are F and U! Next I will deliver them a  tape of Two Girls, One Cup and tell them that “THIS is what kids should not be watching!” And then I’m going to take Cookie by the hand, throw him in the car and we’re going straight to the bakery for a night of debauchery and mayhem which will hopefully snap him back into the cookie eating slob that I love, dammit! Who’s with me?

P.C. crap taking cookies from The Cookie Monster. Like my old boss used to say: “Grow a pair!!”

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